Thursday, July 24, 2008

Hososcope Madness

I was going to initially write this post about the ridiculous horoscope I found in my paper this morning, but I have stumbled upon even more ridiculousness in the process of "properly researching" this post.

OK, so I read my horoscope just about everyday because it is on the same page as the comics and it is always funny to see how absurdly inaccurate it is. My favorite horoscopes are always about me and "my companion" or "my partner." Keep in mind that I am a single guy who has been single for, well, for a very long time.

Since I read my horoscope so often, I have been accustomed to a certain level of inanity there. Today's horoscope, however, hit cheap fortune cookie levels. Yes, today my horoscope commanded me to eat a good breakfast. It didn't foretell of a joyous breakfast that would be had by me, or hint at revelations to be found in my cereal bowl. No, it said something like "prepare for your day with a healthy breakfast." Apparently, the heavenly bodies have decided to stop telling us what will happen to us, and instead take a more active role by shouting out demands from the sky. Lovely.

Now sure, that was amusing, but you may notice that I stated the horoscope "said something like" rather than quoting it word for word. This is because I left my paper at home and the library in which I work no longer subscribes to the local newspaper. This is ridiculous in and of itself, but we'll set it aside for a moment. It turns out that although most of the newspaper is available online the printed horoscope is not. Apparently, the writers of such prophetic insight as "have a good breakfast" do not allow their work to be freely distributed online. Honestly, with their level of prowess, I can see how they would want to keep their skills for paying customers alone. But of course an online newspaper would be practically worthless without a horoscope section so the Lexington Herald-Leader has managed to find a free one online.

As a member of the Virgo sign, the sexiest sign in the heavens, I always look there first and although none of the Virgo predictions found through the Lexington Herald-Leader bear any resemblance to each other they are all equally humorous. First we have the "Accuweather" horoscope:

I have no idea what these horoscopes have to do with the weather, but that's the label in the header so I guess we'll go with that. Let's examine it in a bit of detail:

Your spiritual side is accented today. Contemplating what's important to you and finding your roots will result in greater self- confidence later on. Don't take an aggressive attitude toward persons in authority or elderly relatives.

Obviously my choice of outfit this morning brings out my "spiritual side." I haven't been able to take two steps today without the office movers who are relocating my furniture commenting on how full of spirit I am. Oh yeah, and thinking about some vague stuff will improve my confidence. So far we have the basic ho-hum silliness of most horoscopes. A little wacky, but nothing outrageous. Then we move on to that last sentence that gets a little too specific for its own good. I am told not to be aggressive towards "persons in authority or elderly relatives." Alright, not smacking around the boss is decent advice, but why am I to leave only my elderly relatives alone? Should I feel free to yell at my brother, sister, and parents, all of whom are a bit younger than most members of the AARP? For that matter, is all the rest of humanity fair game? I guess so. Right after this post I'm off to challenge anyone in the hallways, anyone who doesn't control my budget or promotion, to a round of fisticuffs.

What I first thought were two additional online horoscopes in the Herald-Leader are, in fact, just copies of the original with different formatting and/or web addresses. It looks like the horoscope is important enough that you need to have three chances of finding it:


I must tip my hat to the Herald-Leader for ensuring that I could not avoid facing my dark future of spiritual accents and aggressive behavior towards passersby, all after a healthy breakfast, of course.

No comments: